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It might be helpful to begin with practical considerations such as the days and times you can attend. Think about how far you are willing to travel from home, work or wherever you spend most of your time. You can use online search tools or sites listing available counsellors. Check out Psychology Today and Good Therapy. Using filters, hone in on the type of counselling you seek. All practitioners on these sites are verified before their listing goes live.

Now that you have an idea of who might be available, think about what support you need. For example, if you are looking for help with family issues, grief, identity, trauma, anxiety, depression, (or any combination of these) look for counsellors who specialise in these areas. You already know you’re searching for a counsellor, not a psychologist or psychotherapist, so you can further narrow the search. (See our blog outlining the key differences between psychology, psychotherapy and counselling).

Read the counsellor’s profile. You need to feel completely safe and comfortable in the person’s presence. You need to know that no matter what you tell them, you won’t be on the receiving end of judgement, scorn or useless advice. How does the counsellor like to work? Do they list techniques they typically use? How do you feel when you read about their background, their work, look at their profile photo? Is there an opportunity to have an initial chat with them, or maybe they’re running a group that sounds interesting to you?

You might be drawn to two or three counsellors during this research. Make an appointment with one and see how the session goes. Regardless of whether you’re new to counselling or have previously engaged in it, the first session is about getting to know each other. Seeing if you trust this person, and can work with them whether short or long-term. If the session doesn’t feel quite right, let them know you need to think about it before making another appointment. Go to the counsellor next on your list and make an appointment.

The counsellor might be experienced in their field, but you are the expert of your life. You know what you need and want. You know the support you are looking for. If you don’t know these things clearly, then figure out what you don’t want. Tell the counsellor your goals for therapy, tell them what makes you uncomfortable. A good counsellor will never shame you or make you feel bad for setting clear boundaries and expectations.

After this period of research and testing, you might find the counsellor you’re looking for. A good counsellor is life-changing. Long after you finish working with them, their words, their compassion, their positive regard for you will stay, helping you navigate challenges.

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Australian statistics overwhelmingly show the majority of perpetrators are men. Women are more likely to be assaulted by a current or former partner (https://www.thelookout.org.au/fact-sheet-1-family-violence). Acknowledging that coercive control does occur in same-sex relationships, the language used in this post is addressing heterosexual abuse as this is a pervasive issue across cultures, socio-economic backgrounds, and education levels.

You may be wondering what it actually is, and how it shows up in relationships. It can show up in a myriad of ways. Here are some examples of coercive control.

• Your phone, laptop and other electronic devices are monitored by your partner. He wants to know passwords to your email accounts and/or social media, checking them so he can interrogate you about who you’ve been in contact with.
• He doesn’t allow you to be on social media or restricts who you can contact.
• He criticises your friends and family, slowly cutting people out of your life.
• He makes fun of your appearance or what you wear, eroding confidence in yourself.
• He questions your decisions till you feel you can’t make any for yourself, relying on him to make them for you.

Sadly, there are many more examples we could have listed here. If you want to know more, look at the Duluth Power and Control Wheel (https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/).

What can you do? Coercive control feeds on isolation. If you have trusted friends and family members, tell them about your experience. Work out a safety plan that could include what you will do when he behaves in a controlling way, who you can get support and help from, and how you will manage the situation at home so that it doesn’t escalate.

There is external support also available by calling 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732). Their advisers can support you with information on available services and where you can get additional help. Remember, it is not your fault that this is happening to you. People choose to exert their control over others and nothing you do is an excuse to behave that way.

If you are no longer in a relationship where you experienced abuse and coercive control and are still trying to process feelings of shame, anger, grief, confusion, counselling may be useful for you. If you are in a relationship where you think you might be experiencing coercive control, we can support you. If you are in a same-sex or heterosexual relationship, contact one of our counsellors for a confidential discussion on how we can help. If we cannot provide direct support, we will be able to suggest other services.

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So let’s break that down. Where does shame originate? When a person does something wrong or goes against their personal or societal moral code, they might feel shame about their behaviour or action. It can be a helpful indicator that what we are doing does not feel right. It doesn’t sit comfortably with who we are or who we want to be.

When is it unhelpful? If we have been the target of someone else’s anger through prolonged or sudden abuse, violence or aggression, it is not uncommon to take on the shame the perpetrator should be feeling. In these instances, shame seeps into the core of ourselves, pervading our instincts, obstructing logic and preventing us from seeing it is not ours to carry.

How does it show up day-to-day life? When we are carrying shame around with us, we can be triggered by seemingly unrelated events. Watching a movie where a character has suffered the same experience as we have can cause the heart rate to soar, sweaty palms, dry mouth and a feeling that we are no longer connected to the body. This is because we think people in the room can tell we have been through the same thing and are judging us for it. Triggers can include casual conversations with friends when a topic reminds us of what we have been through, a workplace conflict, witnessing something similar happen to someone else, or being around the person who inflicted the hurt. This list is not exhaustive, and sometimes triggers can be surprising and unexpected.

What to do about it? Shame feeds on silence. If it feels safe to do so, talk to a trusted family member or friend about the experience. Imagine the experience happened to someone you love and care about. What advice would you give them about feeling shameful? Remember that you are not to blame for the actions of someone else. You did not choose to use violence, oppression, abuse to control anyone else. Long held shame can be difficult to work through alone. If you are unable to talk to people in your life, therapy is an effective way to understand, and deal with the root and effects of shame.

Don’t suffer in silence. If you need support to work through the issues raised here, contact one of our counsellors. We are gentle, warm and empathic in our approach, led by you and your needs. A life free of shame is one of generosity, creativity and space for choice.

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